I've been leaning heavily on friends these past few weeks, and each therapeutic conversation that is held within our shared spaces circles around these same topics: the importance of compassion, how we grow, like seeds, from trauma and pain, and the importance of authenticity, and why it's always worth the risk. 
Since it was announced that Donald Trump was to be our country's president, every day has been a jagged pill to swallow. The weight of the world is undeniably heavy for millions of us whom are threatened by bigotry, hatred & war. I've thought about how we got here. A lot. How did this happen? I mean really? Short answer: We did this. The apolitical apathy and silente violence from the 48% that stayed at home that Tuesday, and, equally, the liberal elitists that are *no better* than the far right; constantly blaming everyone but ourselves. I've had so many open uncomfortable conversations about this, and have ultimately felt so much relief .  
It's a devastatingly exciting time to be alive. 
I'm making a point to become aware of my vicious, continuously attacking thought patterns (you know the ones. . . )
I am absolutely terrified that everyone is going to know that I'm a fake. Clueless! Completely clueless. I can't stand the thought of not being liked. Actually, anything less than admired doesn't sit well with me. I just want to be loved. 
But, as it turns out, there are people in this world that will dislike you simply because you do not dislike yourself.
There is absolutely *no way* that you can be in the spotlight and not be criticized. 
If I really want to make this happen for myself, I need to become more comfortable in my own SKIN. 
I am so tired of being sorry.
I'm not sorry.
I.
Am.
Just.
Tired.

I first met Corinne when she was 15.
Although a lot of people transform over decades and become unrecognizable, there are aspects of Corinne that have never changed.
One of those is her invisible inner fortitude,
so big in comparison to her tiny human body.
You can see it in her
while she's riding in the passenger side looking out the window.
You can feel it,
even over the phone
flowing out of her as grace
when she gives someone the benefit of the doubt,
defends the voiceless,
or forgives. 
The reason this hurts is because Corinne's body holds a spirit
that wants only to love and to be loved.
Every decision she makes can be traced back to that.

Your decisions have consistently been made
while you knew that they would deeply wound her.
Your brain,
to avoid the pain of dissonance,
will find a million reasons to justify your decisions.
Every decision counts.
Even the decision to not say something
or stop something.

Do you remember Corinne's seemingly endless tenderness and capacity to forgive and empathize and love you, even after you broke up?
You might have taken it for granted then, 
But I do not think that you will now.
She forged those abilities after years of self healing.

You did not break Corinne.
Because - much like the Japanese practice of Kintsugi -
she has a multitude of breaks,
all repaired and filled in with gold. 
Gold she created herself.
It may take longer than others, 
but eventually,
You will be just another painful break
that she will fill in.
you will be just another name
on the list
of dishonest, undeserving people
from whom she has learned lessons.

It's Halloween week. I leave the house in the dark. I return home in the dark. The sky is gloomy and the rain won't stop. Why now?
 my perception is selective.  
I can't stop fidgeting. 

Tonight, for the first time in my life, I called myself an artist.
I. am. in. such. a. dark. place.
// heavy heart and a head full of pesticide.
And here I am.
Able to call myself a fucking artist. 
I just needed to suffer for it.